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4 more brilliant Brexit brainwaves from Boris

by Luke Lythgoe | 19.01.2018

“Keep that buffoon away from the Channel” was one expert’s response to Boris Johnson’s plan to bring France closer to Brexit Britain by building a – no doubt very expensive – bridge between Dover and Calais. We imagine what other Brexit solutions might be ticking away under that blonde bonce.

Submersible drones

Environmentalists say any Brexit fishing policy is daft because fish don’t obey international borders. But what if, building on the cutting-edge technology from Blue Planet II, we electronically tag all our fish and track them using satellites? If they stray towards foreign seas, we can use submersible drones to herd them back towards the UK. British fish for British seas!

Projected cost: £200 per fish

Carbon nanotube customs posts

The government wants an “invisible” border between Northern Ireland and the Republic. So why not take the idea literally? Using the latest carbon nanotube technologies, we could have as many border posts and fences as we wanted – all completely invisible. Sure, lorries would have to stop for checks (or maybe not, see below), but what you can’t see can’t hurt the peace process – right?

Projected cost: £30 million per border crossing (there are 275 in Ireland)

Smart containers and lorries

Inspired by his new smart fridge, which lets him see all his Great British produce via his smartphone, Boris has hatched a plan for post-Brexit trade – one that avoids time-consuming checks and tailbacks at the border. Each truck and shipping container coming to the UK should be fitted with an internet-linked camera so customs officials can monitor the arrival of goods from a state-of-the-art headquarters based in, let’s say, Wakefield. Our trading partners and shipping firms will be glad to pay for the new kit, just to feel part of Britain’s great technological leap forward.

Projected cost: £800 million for customs HQ, and a grateful world can pay for the rest

Robot nurses and scientists

Brexit is leading to a Brexodus of nurses, scientists and other trained workers. Johnson’s answer? Robots. Since Britain has been faffing around with Brexit, Japan has increased its production of robots by a third. Boris’ mantra is anything Japan can do Britain can do better, as he once demonstrated playing rugby against a 10-year-old Japanese schoolboy. We just need a suitably Brexity name for our new robot army – how about Maybots?

Projected cost: robots pay for themselves, right?

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Edited by Hugo Dixon

10 Responses to “4 more brilliant Brexit brainwaves from Boris”

  • Please order another straightjacket for Boris. Perhaps he could be put in a cornfield and scare off the birds!

    In Germany, the local politicians are also very good at creating monumental engineering, architectural or transport disasters, because they, just like Boris, just do not know what they are talking about. Examples:

    – Hamburg Elbphilharmonie: original budget Euro 77 million; completed with a final cost of Euro 789 million.
    – Berlin Airport: From Euro 2000 million to Euro 5400 million

    Politicans should keep their noses out of large projects, fullstop. The Tory Party can’t help 30,00 endangered companies, let alone dream about spending other scarce taxpayers money. Before publicising horrendously large projects, they should speak to a few experts first – perhaps a few chartered structural engineers / civil engineers, architects, etc. Ooops, I forgot, qualified experts are not trusted in the Trump – Tory Party – Tory Press world these days!

  • It’s a distraction technique. Like in the rodeo, when the bucking-bull rider falls off and is getting trampled and gored. Just then the rodeo clowns come in to distract you from the blood and gore and try to drag Mrs. May (oops! I’mean the hapless bucking-bull rider) to safety on the edge of the Chanel (oops again! Sorry I meant the edge of the bullring.). The bucking-bull rider then goes off to the hospital and ought to have learned something, but she rarely does! Bozo Johnson is just that sort of bucking-clown.

  • Boris bridge idea is pure altruism: he just wants to accelerate the repatriation of child-migrants and many more thousands of asylum seekers from the Calais jungle into a very welcoming post Brexit UK..no doubt!!😂😂

    I can’t see any other reason.?

  • Why go for Brexit at all when being closer to France and having hassle-free trade is the objective. Only reason I can think of in the present way of thinking is to create sufficient parking space high above the channel for all those waiting lorries instead of on the M2 and M20. How come there still are people who appear to take this buffoon seriously at all?

  • The submersible aren’t a joke. There have just been newspaper reports of the Russians thinking they can threaten coastal cities by putting mini-nuke tips on them. Like land mines, the international community needs to ban all arming of drones, including nautical.

  • Blous must have some powerful friends or he would have been out long before this latest delusional idea. When will the Tories start governing and repairing our country? They heap millions upon millions onto the Brexit budget and people are left to die in the NHS car park.

  • Those submersible drones will be tracking Trident submarines along with advanced satellites. Trident will not be able to hide much longer. It help makes the UK the most missile targeted country in the world per Sq.m.

  • Boris the Buffoon is simply ensuring that he’s got another getaway. Once Leavers realise they’ve been sold the biggest pup since ‘ein Volk, ein Reich’ they’re going to start dusting off their pitchforks and will come looking for him and the other brexit Horsemen of the Apocalypse.