The EU’s leaked negotiating guidelines show the bloc is bending over backwards in desperation to keep access to our markets. Boris Johnson and the Brexiters got it right during the referendum when they predicted that the Germans and Italians would soon be begging to sell us their BMWs and prosecco. As a result, we are now in a perfect situation to dictate terms.
That’s why the EU has accepted that the City of London is the unquestioned financial capital of Europe and is happy to take our lead on financial regulation. Banks from across Europe, including Germany’s Deutsche Bank, are shifting their headquarters to the UK to be closer to the centre of action.
The EU is saying it wants to follow our competition and state aid rules – and join our regulatory agencies, such as the Civil Aviation Authority. It is happy to follow our rules without a vote on them and pay us for the privilege. It is even offering to shift some of its regulatory agencies to the UK. Europol, for example, will be renamed UKpol and moved to Liverpool. Some wags are saying the city should change its name too – to Liverpol.
The other countries are also so worried about their economies falling off a cliff next March that they are pleading with us for an “implementation” period to cushion the blow. We’ll let them, but only provided they follow all our laws during this transition, even any new ones, without them getting a vote on them.
They have now recognised it is their responsibility to keep the Irish border open too, but without undermining the integrity of our single market. They have come up with a cockammamy idea of using blue-sky technology to make the border invisible. But this is magical thinking. We are therefore insisting that the Republic of Ireland agrees to align its rules fully with ours. That, of course, would mean there would have to be a sea border between Ireland and France.
Dublin doesn’t like this, saying it would effectively undo its near 100-year independence from the UK. So some European politicians are exploring an alternative solution: that the whole EU should stay in a customs union with the UK. That would, of course, mean we would determine the tariffs and trade policy for all the other 27 countries and they wouldn’t get a vote.
The EU has had to face some other hard facts. Angela Merkel has admitted that, post-Brexit, UK law and the decisions of our Supreme Court will continue to affect Germany. She has also acknowledged that, despite all her concessions, BMW will still not have full access to our market. She knows she can’t just cherry pick the best of Britain.
It’ll be like the good old British Empire, where we told Johnny Foreigner what to do. And we can do all this just because the great British public consumes so much prosecco. Miraculous, isn’t it?
You need to be careful, Hugo. There are plenty of people out there who will believe every word you wrote.
I almost turned red, swivelled my eyes and frothed at the mouth then.
I thought for one moment that this was a spoof and not the real situation…
I checked my calendar to see whether it was the 1st of April yet.
Could it not be political rather than economic? The EU was born out of WW2 and needs the winning power onboard for its ideological roots.
You actually had me worried there for a sentence….I thought you had gone over to the dark side, finally seeing the error of your ways, persuaded by all these ingeniously word-smithed speeches.
I thought that today the EU clearly stated that there cannot be separate trade deals for particular industries etc. That includes financial services. They are not going to allow us to cherry pick like that. Overall, a very strange article is Italy really now in a state to make demands?
It’s not a serious article, best read in a sarcastic tone of voice.
Frankly it makes no sense at all to do spoof pieces like this. I think you need to post a clarification piece even if this means taking a bit of humble pie.
This is fantastic for a remain audience who will understand your point. Brexiters on the whole don’t seem to ‘get’ irony, even while imposing it on everyone else ….
Not funny…
It is difficult to write effective spoof stories about Brexit because the subject has become so sensitive and some people have no sense of humour. Nevertheless for that very reason humour is a great potential tool for breaking through the barriers. It will be interesting to see what materialises on April 1st
More power to you elbow, or should I say hand, it is such a serious, dangerous, and emotive subject that in my view bringing a sense of humour to the situation should be encouraged!
It is dangerous to write this satirical crap, it may be funny to those of us who know the truth, but sadly, many less informed members of the electorate, who voted leave in the referendum, will point to this as proof they were right all along.
Yes, they are that thick, and this will reinforce their attitudes and prejudices, that they have learned from those ‘august’ periodicals, known as the Sun, the Daily Mail, the Express and the Telegraph.
Was this article due for publication on 1st April?
Give Hugo a break, guys – it can’t be easy fighting the good fight, day in, day out, against unremitting stupidity. Everyone needs to let off steam occasionally.
I had to check the date to make sure it wasn’t April 1st. It isn’t but ha ha anyway.
This crap does no one any good. Brexiteers will be spouting this all over the internet. Sigh
Nice one, Hugo, but I too had to check the calendar.
-A.
Very funny, but must you post articles with the words “Boris…. was right” in the title without some kind of health warning attached? I thought I’d slipped into a parallel universe for a moment. 🙂
Hahaha 😀 Nice one
Perhaps you could say “this is satire” in small letters at the bottom if some Brexiters might really believe it to be true as some commenters think..?